Get the hammer: we're Reframing this whole thing!

When I am faced with an experience that is terrifying to me, I have gotten through it by thinking of it as a temporary fear. Like riding a roller coaster, which my well-meaning ex-husband thought was an important thing to do to "help me overcome my anxiety." In a way, he was right--from then on, I would say to myself, "Look, it's just like the roller coaster. It will be horrible, but then it will end. You just have to get through it."

So, that is how I have faced fear ever since. But what about when the thing you fear is also FANTASTIC? Yeah, that's where I find myself. Face first into Tommy tech week(s), where I am two weeks away from actually having to PERFORM IN THIS SHOW. It is here. 

So, do I face this same fear in the same way? Just grit my teeth, swallow the bile in my throat, and "get through it"? I have realized the obvious. This is a different situation. One where I am both afraid AND fulfilling a life-long dream. One where there is no destination or amazing thing at the end of the experience that makes it all worthwhile (my driver's license, my daughter, the exit gate of the Mind Bender).

This show, being IN THIS SHOW, IS THE THING I WANT. I don't want to ruin it by just trying to "get through it" or (worse) driving my fellow cast members crazy with my desperate need for validation and positive feedback. NONONONONONONONOOOOOO NOPE.

So, I'm going to reframe this experience. I will enjoy it. I will fear it. I'll damned we'll BE IN IT without thinking of it as "horrible/terrifying/SO EFFING SCARY!!!!" 

This is not the roller coaster. This is something I've wanted to do my whole life. And I'm going to live it; because, as Tommy says, "Freedom tastes of reality!"

Sitzing with the Band! And hair!

When the show is a few weeks from opening, one of the last rehearsals is the "sitzprobe"-- the German word to describe it--where the cast sits with the band and sings/plays through the whole show. Usually, these groups rehearse separately, so this is the big chance to get acquainted.

And it was so freakin' exciting, I nearly lost my mind! Tommy is a "rock musical", but most of your time rehearsing the songs is kind of like being in a choir--singing to a piano accompaniment, learning your part of each song. Let me tell you, friends; I had no idea how much I missed having the guitars, bass and drums! I was really starting to worry that I had lost touch with music. I can't read music well, or, frankly, AT ALL. I was feeling so far behind everyone, lost in the minutiae of the songs--each note feeling like a struggle. I felt so far away from the songs as a whole. I could not hear the big picture.

But, sitting there, surrounded by the power of rock music, I found it. My feel for music, my connection (especially to rock) drove through me--it felt fantastic! I finally connected to the songs as a whole. People will often say that I have to "get out of my own head", and they are right. The problem is, I have no idea how to do that. Or, I didn't, until yesterday. 

Now I remember. Crank up the music and effin' ROCK OUT!!! (I realize it's so not rock 'n roll of me NOT to swear, but I try not to offend. Forgive me, rock gods.)

I also weaselled my way onto the production team! There was no one to handle hair design, and I had some ideas. And I can't leave well enough alone. And I missed being on the production side. I can't help it! GO TECH!

What did I think would happen?

Here's the thing: I meant it when I said I'd work my ass off for this show. The problem was, I hadn't given much thought to what that would mean in concrete terms. Yesterday at the choreo clean up rehearsal, I learned the hard way what it means for me.

And I'm kicking myself for not thinking this way from day effin' ONE. 

IT MEANS REHEARSING SOMETHING FROM THE SHOW EVERY SINGLE DAY, not just on the designated rehearsal days. Especially the dancing, which I knew from the audition that I was not good at. Why, in God's name, it took me until now to get this through my thick skull, I don't know.

I would like to go on punishing myself for my stupidity, but I know that time is better used by practicing for this show that means SO MUCH to me. I will not be the weak link in this show. I will do what I promised everyone I would do. Maya Angelou said that when you know better, you do better. So now I know. 

It's time to DO!

A LINE!!!

I get to say a few lines (ok, one line that I repeat) in Tommy!!!! I get to play the "middle aged vendor" who the hooligans steal newspapers from during "Miracle Cure"! I actually get to say something, in an accent! (I've been perfecting a British accent since falling madly in love with Duran Duran when I was 12! Like, in private. I'm no weirdo.) And, it's a pretty good accent, if I do say so myself. John Taylor would be proud.

I can't believe that ANOTHER dream come true is coming true! I mean, being in the show was something I never thought I'd do. Actually saying a few words during the show? Never never ever thought I'd see the day. I'm blown away. 

In other updates, I still don't dance well. I'm giving it the good ol' college try, but it's a slow process. And I got to try on my very first costume piece! Bought for me, to wear as an actor! And it fit! A great rehearsal all around. There are also some great people reaching out to me and helping me along. I've got a little more than a month and then I step onto the stage FOR REALLY REAL. I'm trying not to think about it too much, as I enjoy sleep and would like to be able to do so for the next month.

This is happening. Really happening. Tickets are on sale, really happening.

Now I'm going to try not to think about it for a while, so I don't barf.

How to Improve for Next Time

I learned so much working on Drood, about makeup, hair, and what I needed to do to deliver better design work for the next show (FRC's 'South Pacific'). Because I don't want to forget it all by then, I'm going to put all my notes down here! Very proactive, if I do say so myself...

1.  I have to take the designs more seriously.

See, the thing is, I never want anyone to think that I think I'm better than anyone else, or that I think that the hair and makeup is SO CRITICAL TO THE SUCCESS OF THE SHOW. So, I down play a lot of it. By trying to make myself seem unimportant, I am inadvertently making the design seem unimportant. That is a disservice to the show, because I don't take the time to explain and teach, so my hot cast members know what to do. SO,

2.  I have to start earlier on the concrete designs. 

Without a doubt, I started obsessing over the shows the minute I was asked to take part in them. In my mind, they've been a VERY BIG DEAL for months. Now I have to move to putting my ideas on paper (or on Glamzy, thanks to Allie!). A basic plan based on what I understand of the show, it's characters, the time period it's set in and all that goodness. THEN,

3.  As soon as my hot cast is cast, I will do the specific face maps,

Based on the appearance of each cast member. Those will be shared with the cast as soon as they are approved by the director. They will also be posted in the dressing rooms when the show hits the stage. ALSO,

4.  I will explain my design to the cast in more detail.

Now, my cast ladies are very, very good at bringing my designs to life, no matter how little I give them; but some people might be new to makeup or hair, or need more assistance in how to apply it/style it. I will explain exactly what products should be used and, if asked, give a demo on how to apply them. They know I'm no hair stylist, but, thank the Maker for YouTube.

5.  I'll look at the BIG PICTURE.

I love details, and I can easily get lost in the bits and pieces of designs. In the reality of theatre, some period specific details might not work when the bright lights are shining. Or, some hair looks might not stand up to dancing. This ain't a documentary. I can ease up on worrying if the 'such and such' would have been used in the 'whosey-whatsey' time/place.

So, there it is. I want to get better and better, and offer more and more to each show. So, let's get 'er done, son!

Seeing the Show!

I love working on shows. LOVE it! Every little bit of it. So much so, that I often leave out actually talking about the finished product once it hits the stage. Of course, I always go, and I always love it, but I usually don't say much about it. I'm going to fix that straight away!

Through a nasty surprise snow storm, I travelled with my Ma to see 'The Mystery of Edwin Drood', our labour of love, on Tuesday night.

It was phenomenal. The set was gorgeous, the acting was spectacular, the music was amazing. I laughed and sang and hooted and hollered my way through. That's the great part about being new to the scene, I think. I still fall for the magic of the theatre, even though I know what has gone into it behind the curtain. It's just so REAL. You can get right into the show, and in the case of Drood, you even get to determine the ending! This is why I love theatre best. You can feel the show right in your gut. You can see the sparkle in an actor's eye, hear and feel the rumble and twinkle of the beautiful voices as they sing. It gives me goosebumps, and I hope it always will.

My friends become these fabulous characters, and I am dazzled by their talent. How do these people sing and dance and act so well? I know most people are all about movies and TV; but, for me, it's theatre. I hope I am welcome to be a part of it for a very long time.

When People are Better than You at Stuff

So, here's a thing you will discover when you dive into something you love: There will be people already doing the thing you love, the thing you want to be SO GOOD AT, who are better at than you are.

You have two choices to make, but only one that will make you feel good for the long term: you can quit the thing and leave, or you can face the fear and learn. Now, I am so much better at accepting this when it is about sewing. I know I'm an advanced beginner sewer at best, and it doesn't bother me. I happily soak up all the knowledge I can from my mentors and hope I get better. I do what I can and am proud of improvement I make.

But it's different with makeup. For a long time, I dreamed of becoming a makeup artist, primarily working in the theatre. Unfortunately, fear, finances and an unsupportive ex kept me from really pursuing that dream until my wonderful new hubs came along. Even then, a six week course in "Makeup Artistry" hardly makes me a winner of Face Off (if you watch that show...). So, mostly, it's been a "learn as you go" thing for me. But, as I REALLY REALLY WANT TO BE SUPER GREAT AT IT, my ego about it is bare, raw, and extremely insecure. 

So, when I see someone who is just an awesome, amazingly talented natural at painting on people, I forget all the logical "there's a place for everyone" arguments and deflate faster than a balloon at a two-year-old's birthday party. WHICH IS ALL ON ME AND SOMETHING I MUST CHANGE. I must get to the part of me that is accepting of my limitations and excited to grow, like with sewing.

People suggest that you need to "have confidence", but I don't know how to do that. Guess the therapist has a new angle for me to work on. Let me tell you, friends: following your dreams brings out the best and the worst in you. Come with me and watch how I start to trust there is a place for everyone, to remember to sit at the feet of the masters and LEARN!