Just need to squeeze out the Poison

I'm not going to share this one on the Facebook, because I think people are probably sick of hearing about it. As sick as I am of feeling it. But I have to get it out of my head somewhere. 

I've had a rough week, filled with panic attacks, chest pain, nightmares, and depression. I think it's a combination of a few things. It's getting darker much earlier now, so that ol' pain in the ass, Seasonal Affective Disorder is rearing it's ugly head. I never thought this was a problem for me, since I love the fall, and especially Christmas; but, my ex-husband, who was a sufferer, thought it might be a monkey on my back, too. 

I'm also feeling like I am doing a crap job at everything I'm doing right now.

I've been feeling very disconnected, very tired, very sad. I can't feel anyone's love for me, no matter how much they are showing it. I feel like I am dragging a ball and chain, and it's pulling me into that pit of anxiety, self hatred, and depression. 

Nobody wants you here. 

You suck at everything you do. 

Everyone is so sick of you and just tolerates you because they are nice.

You are a terrible wife and mother.

Everyone hates you. And they are right to feel that way, because you are a horrible, pathetic, sickening person.

I am going to fight it this year with daily exercise, since that's the one thing that seems to help. I wish cuddling up with a blanket and a book was effective, but, nah...

I'm sorry to whoever reads this. I know it is pathetic. I hate it. But keeping it inside became too much.